Changing.....

My life seems to be changing. 

I don't know how to accept it 

Or even what to do about it. 

I'm scared. 

I feel everything was perfectly fine

And for once it all fell into place. 

Now I feel my whole worlds spinning

Everything is turning upside down. 

There is this man I love. 

I only wanted him forever 

I have grown with him

Six years I've shared my life with him 

I fell in love. 

I worked so hard and put everything I can into making this work. 

We had rough times but I wasn't going to let those times define who we were

I wasn't going to let them destroy everything I've works so hard 

Our love. 

But some where, some how I'm sitting here questioning if this is where I need to be. 

Do I want to be here anymore. 

Our every day has became a routine

Our intimacy has faded. 

I've found myself yearning for passion,

Wanting to be adored. 

Wanting to be financially stable. 

I look at our future we always wanted and it scares the hell out of me.

Will we be able to move forward. 

He tells me I'm looking too far into the future financially, but am I?

I want a man who can step up and support a family.

Who will enjoy going and doing things. 

I feel we have lost that drive. 

We have opposite schedules 

We have lost a lot of time together 

I have to beg him to go with me to family gatherings on weekends. 

It shouldn't be like that. 

Sure he's only got 5 hours of sleep but I want him to do it for me, because isn't that you're supposed to do when you love someone.

Maybe it's my fault we have came to this point.

Maybe I just have too much without asking for anything. 

Maybe I've been too needy. 

Lord only knows. 

I'm lost and scared.

I love this man. 

If I were to leave my heart will be broken. 

I will miss him terribly 

And all the things we shared together 

I will miss what I've worked so hard for. 

And I want him to know that I love him

And I always will. 

But something's gotta give.....

My heart can't take much more. 

I want more. 

And maybe that's selfish. 

But they always say, find someone who makes you want to do better, someone who will push you to succeed. 

And maybe I'm not enough for him. 

Dream

You close your eyes and suddenly 

Everything is spinning in circles

It's intense and it's real

Then in a blink of an eye it's gone.

Everything is erased, no signs of existence. 

Its Just you now, your whole world is upside down. 

Your alone thinking to yourself if this is all just a bad dream.

Everything is gone and you're all alone. 

Your left with no answers, no reasons. 

Just questions that you cannot answer. 

But maybe it's not worth finding the answers. 

The only thing you can now do is turn your world upright again. Pick up the pieces on the ground.

It's over. And you just have to move forward alone.

That my friend, was the ending.

For good.

That night

These are not my words. But lovely.

Goodbye

It's a word that cuts you like a knife. 

It's one word can bring tears to your eyes 

Makes you feel like your whole world is falling around you. 

It's never an easy word to say, or hear. 

Just like those three little words that mean so much and can change your life for good, so can this.

Goodbye. 

It hurts. 

Is this the final last goodbye 

Or is it just for now?

Same story

April 17 2008,

...but see what I don't like is finally putting an old story to rest only to find that story showing up somewhere when you least expect it. Wanting to be opened and to be read again.......

Just like I wrote in 2008, 

It's the same story. 2014 

Right when you think you've put a story to rest, it comes back out of no where. 

It's like the first cold morning of fall. Just when you think you're used to the warm summer mornings the cold approaches. 

You realize it was never gone, you just sort of put it in the back of your mind. 

It makes you wonder that maybe we are supposed  to have cold fall mornings. I mean it's always going to be there. It always was. We have to have fall every year. And perhaps this story is always going to be on the shelf. Sure we don't read it all the time but it is your favorite book and every once in a while you like to read it again. Get lost in that moment. 

Life is funny like that. Every thing we put in the back of our mind there is something that always brings it back. Like a song, a joke you shared, a story that your friends tell. 

I guess that means no matter what it's going to be a part of your life whether you like it not not. 

We all start somewhere

It's been a few years since I've wrote. 

I've been so busy that I haven't let myself take a break and write. So many things have happened. Good and bad. Life has happend. But I'm not going to sit here and catch you up on my life. Instead, I'm going to use this blog for my thoughts and the things I want to write about. And by no means am I a professional so don't sit there and judge my writing. 

I lost the words for a while but I'm going to find them again.....

LOVE

Life is not always easy. Love is hard.
When you fall in love everything changes.
You feel things you"ve never felt.
Experince things you've never done.
You are happy and people can see it
When something bad happens
youre more sad than if you werent in love
When you fall in love you give your heart away
with out even second guessing
You trust easily
When you fall in love, you become vanurable
but at the same time you feel nothing can touch you
Your so wrapped up that you can lose sight of everything around you
Being in love is the most incredible feeling
Sometimes its even hard to put into words.
Its the feeling of forever
The feeling of pure happiness when you wake up
Its that smile in the corner of your mouth
while your staring at the one you love
Being in love is everything you ever dream of
When you fall in love nothing else seems to matter
your past is the past
and your future turns into wedding and babies.
when your in love
there is no one else around
just you and that person
Love is being honest
Love is being faithful
Love is communication
Love is smiles
Love is tears
Love is having each others back
Love is spending all day together doing nothing
Love is the excitment of Forever
Love is everything you can imagine. <3
LOVE IS YOU!!1