tonight

Well it is officially spring. I am very excited for everything thats ahead. I will be turning 21 May 4th and my little niece Abigail turns 6 on May 11th! Its so crazy that it already has been 6 years since Abgail was born. I remember her birth like it was yesterday! It was my first time ever seeing a baby be born and it was the most amazing thing to ever be a part of! It truely is a miracle :) Abigail is our familys blessing. I just can't believe how big she is getting! 

Anyway this spring is turning out great! I got a raise and offered full time at work, which I am so happy about. I really hope it goes through the DM and i can officially be full time. With only three of us girls at work its been very busy. Im working alot of hours, but that is nice because it means more money.

On top of all this excitment I am missing something. I miss going to school. Last spring I was attending EBC and loving it. I got to meet new people and learn not only about school work but about God too. It was a great experince and honestly...I wish I was still going. I am upset that finacial aid is a pain in my butt and that EBC is so expensive. Lately being at the games and going to volleyball practice really makes me miss it. I want my relationship with God to grow. I need to get the motivation and do something! I need to bring myself closer to him, build a solid relationship with God. This is something I keep saying I want to do but I slack on doing it. I need something, a little push......

Changes

Life now I feel is going to change. Recently someone I know opened my heart and mind to a lot of new things. I have been thinking alot about how I want to find God again. How maybe there is more and better out there for me. Dont get me wrong, I love Christopher so much and I do see him being the father of my kids but I feel that there could be someone better, possibly. But that is a risk I would have to take. And its not really a risk I want to take right now. But this someone is very intellegent, smart, loves God and put him before anything. I knew I could have a great friendship with this person. BUT....this someone is no longer in my life. It wasn't the right moment. But I feel he was in my life for just the right time. It does suck we probably will not become friends and have those talks we did before, or hang out. And that is something I am trying to accept in this moment. But even if he isnt a part of my life I know he has made a difference!
So Life will change. I know its going to. And right now I have to try to accept that. And accept that this someone is gone.
 But I have a feeling that life will work itself out and that one day soon all will be right in my life.
And you never know what a simple action will change!!

Writings From High School

Life is Not A Textbook

Nothing is simple
Life is not a textbook
We can't live our lives
The way they teach us
We can read books
That helps us become a better person
But only we can help ourselves change
We all make mistakes
And we shouldn't be ashamed of that
Because it shapes us to the person we become
We grow up hearing
"Go to college, work hard,
Be responsible, do what's right."
We are taught right from wrong
But how do we know it's the truth?
Somewhere between all this
We lose ourselves
We try hard to please everyone
And then we become someone we aren't
How do we konw if we are doing the right thing?
There is so much to do in this life
So many choices,
And distractions,
But so little time.
Sometimes I feel like breaking down
I feel I can never be good enough
I live my life the way I want
Not by what someone things i should
I don't listen to those critics
I don't read books
Just so I can be better
I live my life for myself
I live by my mistakes
And my experinces
My life is my story
It is not a textbook
For others to learn
And study from
It's my life, my story
I write as I go on
And I am hopeing somewhere
In this story I find who I am

The Walls You Created

I stand here with nothing to hide,

But everything to lose

I have put up my barrier,

But every time you come around

The walls fall down.

I should be scared,

But with you I'm not.

After all we've been through

You still find a way to my heart.

It's like my walls fall down only for you

Even though it was you

Who helped put them up.

What I Used to Think

I used to think that love was just another word...
But then it wasn't often heard...
Thinking that life was easy was my biggest mistake,
For when love really struck it caused the biggest decay
My mother always told me love was no joke
When you take things for granted you always seem to choke
So be careful for what you think is love 'cause it's a fact.
When you thing you fall in love with a guy
They always stab you in the back
Whenever things seemed to go wrong guys give you all the blame
They thing every part of life is just some little game
But, when the time coems for you to move on
They want you to stay and never be gone.
If love was some kind of happy thing then it wouldn't be as bad
as it always seems.
But only God can love you more than anyone can
'Cause it's unconditional.
There's no limit, no stand;
Are guys really worth all this pain?
The time will come when they're are really to blame
For you when you don't dwell on the past
Tens years later you'll be the first one they ask.

...........

As i sit here its hard to not think about this. Its hard to explain this. I get excited and i just want more time. Is that bad? Perhaps it is. Its not supposed to be like this. I am just supposed to feel nothing. My mind isnt supposed to wander, but...it does. And thats something i cant control. (sigh) Sometimes I'm scared that the way that I feel is written all over my face.
.
.
.what am i doing?

dream

"Me, my two sisters and my mom were driving home one night when i noticed shooting stars all throughout the sky. Suddenly i noticed the moon was too close to earth and a satellite was right next to it. I was worried, it wasnt normal for the moon and satellite to be that close. Then my sister noticed an airplane that was super close to us too. We both were confused. Why does it seem everythings falling out of the sky? Erin started to cry and right when i look out the front window of the car i see fire, its burning the road ahead and only coming towards us. My sisters and i are crying, worried, scared and my mom starts singing a christian song. As the fire is getting closer to us we all start singing along with her. I close my eyes as the fire passes us. When my eyes open i realize we are all safe and the fire did not harm us."
That was my dream i had last night. I talked to my mom about it and i started to see what it was about. Maybe i havnt been right with God lately. And in my dream praising God was what saved me and my family. The world was coming to an end and God saved us. I need to get right with God. I need to start becoming closer, start building the relationship i had with him. Sooner or later everything will come to an end so before it does i need to get right. i want to get right with God

the future

So when does our "future" start?
People say "We're still young."
"We have all the time in the world."
But when does that time start running out?
When do we start growing up?
And how much time do we have
To get to where we want to be in the future?
To get where we want to be takes time,
but it also takes motivation, determination.
We wont get anywhere if all we do is talk
about where we want to go and what we want to do.
Our future starts as soon as we are born
We are building our future every moment we have.
Sure we are still young and have so much to look forward to
but what happens when we start running out of time?
I know where i want to be in the next 5 years.
But will it happen?
Everything happens fast, and everything changes.
Its up to us to decide when we want to start building our future.



Two people, one goal.
But when do they start reaching for it?
Will he start moving ahead
Is he going to be ready when she is?
What happens when they run out of time?
She wants to be there with him
but if he's not ready
then she might have to leave in order to be where she wants to be.
Its all up to him.
When will he start moving ahead?
We arent always going to be young.
Sooner or later we will have to grow up
and make grown up decisions.

Trust Cheating Lies

two writings i found from april....

Trust Cheating Lies

Why do people cheat?

In her eyes she had everything she needed and wanted.
She had him.
They had trust and an honest relationship.
Finally she found someone who made her happy.
They put their past behind them and looked to the future..
Nothing could go wrong...well at least thats what she thought

But she was wrong.
One day in April she started to question everything.
Their relationship, and everything he ever said to her.
He did the one thing
she never thought he would do.
His act caught her off gaurd; He kissed that girl.
He never told her, instead she found out on her own.

As she sat there putting all the pieces together,
it all made sense.
The other girl would text late, find "excuses" to see him.
She knew this was to happen...
But why?
why the man she loves, the man she trusted
do such a thing?




2.
Have you ever known something but wish you didnt?
Have you ever thought that nothing could wrong
but in a blink of an eye it all falls apart?
That what you thought was real suddenly was tested
That the trust you had built was broken
Have you ever thought "it would never happen." but then it does

In life not everything works out
the way we planned.
Things happen unexpectdly all the time
Good and bad
People who love us, hurt us.
Its just life..