for you

i cant explain this.

i wish there was some way i can show you

but all i can do is give you my heart

which i did almost 4 years ago

it may  not seem like enough

but it is everything. 

i can laugh at your corny jokes

i can scratch your back 

and be the rock you can lean on 

when everything else falls down around you

i can go to every basketball game
and be your support
i can lend you help when you need it
i give you all my unconditional love
not because thats what your supposed to do
but because i love you.
i have loved you for a long time
you have rubbed my feet after a long day at work
you have hugged me when i feel like crying
you surprise me at work because you know i appreciate that
we have shared secrets that we dont dare to tell another soul
we laugh with each other
we calm each other down
we lay together in our bed
holding each other and never wanting it to let go
we share the best memories that no one can take
we have been through things that most couples break up over
you and i make sense
and i feel our love is real.
i hope one day you will get on one knee and ask me for our forever
i hope one day you will be the dad we always talk about.
I am giving you every thing i have
all i ask is that you honor that
because this is a once in a lifetime love

Bette-this one's for you

This video is perfect for Bette.

For the last four years i have been working for Payless Shoe source. I never would of thought i would meet the strongest woman i know. Bette was a manager for one of the stores. When i first met her i had no idea she had cancer. She was one of those that didn't really talk about it. She didn't dwell on her pain, she just lived her life. It wasn't until Jan 2011 that i actually got a chance to know her. The cancer was spreading and being a manager was getting too hard so she stepped down to full time and i became the manager of the store she has ran for the last 13 years. Bette was an amazing woman. I learned so much about her and her life the time i worked with her. She was strong, funny, and nice. Bette was my mentor. She always was there for me when i needed help. Every day we would laugh, joke, and complain bout our days or how slow work was. I will never forget her little wink she would always give me, or the day she helped me and comforted me when a mean costumer ruined my day. What i loved about Bette was no matter what she was dealing with or the pain she was feeling she was always working hard and smiling. Bette always showed up at work and never took a break. She was stubborn as well. She didnt want to rest or take time off. She wanted to keep going. Bette was a joker. She was a friend. A confidant. A mentor. Bette would tell me stories bout her life. Where she went, what she did, and her memories of her past, the good times and the bad. I realized then that Bette lived her life. She went to places we would never imagine going. She went through hard times. She had amazing kids who supported her. And she had a wonderful boyfriend who stood by her side. Even though he drove her crazy they loved each other. He would go with her to all chemo treatments and sit by her side. He would take out to lunch after. Help around her house. He did everything for, even towards the end when she was at her worst. Bette is an inspiration. My life was touched because of her. Its amazing how in such a short amount of time how well you get to know a person, and how they can make such a big impact in your life. Bette was such a strong woman and i know that she is in a better place now. I am glad that she does not have to suffer anymore. Since 2003 bette has been fighting this cancer. But now she can be free. You will be missed Bette. Every day, always.

Bette, i miss seeing you every day at work. I miss talking to you, complaining about the things no one else would really understand. I miss joking with you. It still feels unreal that you are gone and i will never see you again. I wish i could of got the chance to tell you how awesome you are to me. I know you are in better hands now. And remember all of us miss you and love you! Thank you so much for everything. For always listening to me and helping me when i needed it. You are so strong and i appreciate all your hard work you did. I will keep the store nice and rocking the numbers for you! I miss you. And hopefully will get to see you in the future.

truth be told

You fight your battles every day.
You don't know if its ever going to end.
You have the days you feel like surrendering.
You have given all you could.
You're losing the good fight.

Its hard some days. I just feel like giving up. Maybe if i walked away i would have peace. I have this secret i hold and its breaking me down. All i want is the TRUTH to come out. To be told the truth. I want closure. But then again, i wish it wasn't true. I think about it and realize that with this, its only going to bring down this relationship. But its not my fault this happened. I was not in the wrong. I was just the girl who had no idea. I was so wrapped up that i did not see this coming. I say its not my fault, but maybe it is. Maybe i went wrong somewhere before. Maybe i was not good enough or did not give all i could. This "secret" is what brings me down. Makes me feel that i am not good enough. Because if someone you love really did love you, why would they do something like this to you?...............I have all these questions. i try to ignore it. And majority of the days i am good and WE are good. but what happend months ago i cant get over....it makes me worry. makes me sad. i dont deserve it. i never did anything to deserve it.
i may look like the fool cuz i am still here. but i am here because i feel two people can get passed it. But the truth needs to be told.

when you are with someone

 When you are with someone for a couple years, you learn a lot about love, honesty, trust, lies, pain and happiness. You also get to know that person. Their fears, what makes them happy, their goals in life, and you also know things that they dont realize you know. Like you can always tell if they are not telling you the truth, or if something is wrong. You get to know this person inside and out. Its a great thing.

When you are with someone for a couple years you fall in love with your best friend. You only see them in your future and cant imagine life without them. But also you come across problems. You have fights, and obstacles that try and tear you apart.  And once something comes along and tears you apart, it makes it harder to go back and have everything you have had before.But you can still work it out. Just remember...its not gonna be the same.

just a dream

Its been months now...
I thought that things would be easier by now. But I am still finding myself driving around town, driving anywhere. Going there and every where. I work, and i stay busy. I distract myself every day. I have just been running away from these feelings. I don't want to feel that empty feeling in my stomach. I still find it hard to wake up somedays. Its like it would be easier to keep sleeping that way i dont have to deal with it. Every day i am reminded of him. Everything reminds me of him, of us. There are things that happen to me through out the day and i find myself wanting to tell him. I try to run away from it all. I hardly sleep in my own bed or even stay home alone. I just keep running but honestly nothing really works, i still miss him. Everything is still there. I don't like thinking that this could be it. That everything we have built together is gone. When i start to think about everything, about us about how those are moments i cant get back anymore...i lose it......Its like i hold everything in for so long. I try to distract myself from feeling anything that when a moment like tonight happens, i lose it. Everything just falls. I wish i could stop crying over this and move ahead and i wish i could say that its that simple but i am afraid its not. 2 years of my life has been with him. People can say that 2 years is nothing but with how WE were together, our closeness, it feels like we were together 5 more years. Even though he is not around as much, i can still feel a part of him. I feel like he is still there in my heart. I think what makes this harder is that he was everything i wanted. i had no doubts that i wanted to marry him.
This feeling, it has not gone away. This has not got any easier. Songs come on the radio and make me think of him. Even the stupid seasons remind me of our memories from the previous year. Our memories still feel like yesterday. Its hard thinking that those 2 years was all we got.....
I go on my days fighting back tears, trying to be okay. I try to get a long with out him. I hate thinking that maybe this is only killing me. That this is not hurting him.
He knows me well enough to know that this is not easy for me. And if he is the guy i know; he could even be running away from his feelings as well.
Every day i miss him. Every day i try to distract my self and hold my feelings in.
I have seen him, and honestly its great. Everything we have together, the feelings, everything is still there. You can not fake something that real. I try to tell myself that im okay with seeing him like this. But im not gonna lie, i do miss being a part of his life everyday. Not ness be with him everyday but the comfort knowing I AM WITH HIM, that this is it. He is mine and i am his. i love it when he is here. I just want those nights to last and the mornings to last.  When i see him everything just lifts up. I still get butterflies. I try not to let myself lose control but sometimes i do. sometimes i let all my gaurds down again. With him its an easy thing to do.

This all seems so unreal to me. Its not real. I know it is real, but this wasnt supposed to be like this. I never planned on us to be here. Its hard to believe that we are not together. It bothers me, its makes me wish i could go back and fix it before it happend. I get so upset, so hurt. But even though its killing me inside, i do smile knowing that i know what REAL love feels like. I have loved with my whole heart. I know how it feels to be so wrapped up and i know how it feels to have your heart broken.

People can look at me and think i am doing just fine, that i am living life as well; which i am. But that does not mean it hurts inside. Does not mean that my heart still aches, that my heart still loves him. That when i see him i feel so happy. Everyday i miss him and think about him. Everyday i go through this......
Every day feels like a dream........

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Found a song that explains exactly what i have felt/feeling

When you lose someone the first day/week/ month is always hard!! You feel like you cant go on, you feel like running away and never coming back. Feel like you dont want to get out of bed, that you cant make it through another day. Your whole stomach feels empty and that your heart is caving in your chest. Its not the best feeling in the world!! And honestly, i dont ever want to experience it again, but i know that this is a part of life. Something everyone has to go through. But as days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months you get a little stronger. It may hurt, and you may miss them from time to time but you can get through it and pick your self up off the ground. 

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."

In moments like this, its hard to understand and accept letting someone go. Especially if your truely care for them.
For me, Im dealing with it everyday. I tell myself that i need to just let him go, but its so hard to do. It was hard to walk away in the beginning and now that 2 years of being together, knowing that he was what i want the most, yes its hard to walk away now.
I know in my heart i should. And that i need to do the right thing for me. But it is not as easy as everyone makes it seem.
I want more than anything to keep fighting, keep holding on but when is enough?? And is it really worth it, worth the fight, worth the confusion, the pain, everything?
At this point i want to say that it is, but honestly i dont really know anymore.