just a dream

Its been months now...
I thought that things would be easier by now. But I am still finding myself driving around town, driving anywhere. Going there and every where. I work, and i stay busy. I distract myself every day. I have just been running away from these feelings. I don't want to feel that empty feeling in my stomach. I still find it hard to wake up somedays. Its like it would be easier to keep sleeping that way i dont have to deal with it. Every day i am reminded of him. Everything reminds me of him, of us. There are things that happen to me through out the day and i find myself wanting to tell him. I try to run away from it all. I hardly sleep in my own bed or even stay home alone. I just keep running but honestly nothing really works, i still miss him. Everything is still there. I don't like thinking that this could be it. That everything we have built together is gone. When i start to think about everything, about us about how those are moments i cant get back anymore...i lose it......Its like i hold everything in for so long. I try to distract myself from feeling anything that when a moment like tonight happens, i lose it. Everything just falls. I wish i could stop crying over this and move ahead and i wish i could say that its that simple but i am afraid its not. 2 years of my life has been with him. People can say that 2 years is nothing but with how WE were together, our closeness, it feels like we were together 5 more years. Even though he is not around as much, i can still feel a part of him. I feel like he is still there in my heart. I think what makes this harder is that he was everything i wanted. i had no doubts that i wanted to marry him.
This feeling, it has not gone away. This has not got any easier. Songs come on the radio and make me think of him. Even the stupid seasons remind me of our memories from the previous year. Our memories still feel like yesterday. Its hard thinking that those 2 years was all we got.....
I go on my days fighting back tears, trying to be okay. I try to get a long with out him. I hate thinking that maybe this is only killing me. That this is not hurting him.
He knows me well enough to know that this is not easy for me. And if he is the guy i know; he could even be running away from his feelings as well.
Every day i miss him. Every day i try to distract my self and hold my feelings in.
I have seen him, and honestly its great. Everything we have together, the feelings, everything is still there. You can not fake something that real. I try to tell myself that im okay with seeing him like this. But im not gonna lie, i do miss being a part of his life everyday. Not ness be with him everyday but the comfort knowing I AM WITH HIM, that this is it. He is mine and i am his. i love it when he is here. I just want those nights to last and the mornings to last.  When i see him everything just lifts up. I still get butterflies. I try not to let myself lose control but sometimes i do. sometimes i let all my gaurds down again. With him its an easy thing to do.

This all seems so unreal to me. Its not real. I know it is real, but this wasnt supposed to be like this. I never planned on us to be here. Its hard to believe that we are not together. It bothers me, its makes me wish i could go back and fix it before it happend. I get so upset, so hurt. But even though its killing me inside, i do smile knowing that i know what REAL love feels like. I have loved with my whole heart. I know how it feels to be so wrapped up and i know how it feels to have your heart broken.

People can look at me and think i am doing just fine, that i am living life as well; which i am. But that does not mean it hurts inside. Does not mean that my heart still aches, that my heart still loves him. That when i see him i feel so happy. Everyday i miss him and think about him. Everyday i go through this......
Every day feels like a dream........

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Found a song that explains exactly what i have felt/feeling

When you lose someone the first day/week/ month is always hard!! You feel like you cant go on, you feel like running away and never coming back. Feel like you dont want to get out of bed, that you cant make it through another day. Your whole stomach feels empty and that your heart is caving in your chest. Its not the best feeling in the world!! And honestly, i dont ever want to experience it again, but i know that this is a part of life. Something everyone has to go through. But as days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months you get a little stronger. It may hurt, and you may miss them from time to time but you can get through it and pick your self up off the ground. 

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."

In moments like this, its hard to understand and accept letting someone go. Especially if your truely care for them.
For me, Im dealing with it everyday. I tell myself that i need to just let him go, but its so hard to do. It was hard to walk away in the beginning and now that 2 years of being together, knowing that he was what i want the most, yes its hard to walk away now.
I know in my heart i should. And that i need to do the right thing for me. But it is not as easy as everyone makes it seem.
I want more than anything to keep fighting, keep holding on but when is enough?? And is it really worth it, worth the fight, worth the confusion, the pain, everything?
At this point i want to say that it is, but honestly i dont really know anymore.

old blogs

I think the only thing that was holding my back from deleting my 'myspace' were the blogs i had on there. I started writing blogs on there  my sophmore year and I really didnt want to see them disapear. But there is a time to let go of the past and move ahead. So I copied only  a few recent ones that i wanted to keep. And Im putting them on here....

October 2, 2009 - Friday


It doesnt matter how much love you have in the beginning but how much love u build til the end

Its almost a year and it doesnt even feel like it. I feel like it was a couple months ago when i met him. I wasnt looking for anything when we met, but that night he kissed me i wanted something. I felt that i could really like him and we could have something good. I really didnt know what i was getting myself into at first. After all, we did meet month after both of our relationships ended.

THings for us were not easy in the beginning at all. The more i hung out with this boy i started to really like him, but he had this side of him that i hated. He would want to hang out then bail the next day. It was hard for me and it did get to the point that i wanted to walk away and just let it be. BUT......i couldnt get myself to walk away. There was something about this man i was drawn to. I kept telling myself that if i stuck around, he would come around and realize how great this actually could be if we spent more time together. Then that day in October came around and we made a deal. I told him after tonight that we would start letting ourselves go and not hold anything back. That day was the beginning of our story :) Oct 6th 2008.

Suddenly he came around and our relationship was becoming alot more mature. He started opening up more and not being scared to let himself go around me and show me how he feels. We were becoming alot more closer and honest with eachother. From the time we first startd hanging out Chris and i have never had any problems talking about anything we needed to talk about. And i think that is why we have the relationship we do.

Time has flown by. And as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months we grew...We grew with eachother...We learned from eachother..and we fell in love with eachother.

Our memories we have made during this year are memories i will cherish forever. It amazes me how much we have already grown together. Some realtionships "crazy head over heels" feeling fades after a while but ours.....it keeps growing ") and i love it

We delt with alot of bull shit in the beginning just like any other relationship. we delt with "ex girlfriend" "situations" "lies" but somehow we conqured it all. I feel we have delt with some stuff in the first year that most couples dont experince yet. Everything we have gone through together has only made us stronger.

Through the hard times we found love.

He is the man that i have been looking for. He is the man that can understand me, even on my bad days. He is the man who can see what he has when he looks into my eyes. He is my soulmate.

I always thought that i would need to be single to be free and have my own life but.....with him i learned i dont haveto be single. We have our own lives outside of our relationship. He can do his thing and i do mine. All because we have TRUST in eachother. we have trust and honesty.

Our relationhip doesnt add up to the perfect equation...

There is chaos, maddness and passion.

He makes me go crazy out of my mind...

what we have isnt perfect but all the imperfections make it perfect.

He is the man i was meant to wake up to every morning.

I have already learned so much from him. I have learned that i have never been in love like this. I have never had a man that appreciated what he had. I have learned that nothing is perfect and the only way to get over the past is to accept it and move forward. You cant move ahead if you dont know where you have been.

This is what i have been looking for...

i never knew that the man i met at the 3 on 3 july of 08 would be the man who stole my heart...MY TRUE LOVE







September 14, 2009 - Monday

this is it..the next step

Today i will be moving out of my parents and on my own.

i am nervous, excited, sad, happy and anxious.

this all happend about a month ago. my friend ashley asked if i was looking to move out.

i honestly didnt think it would actually all fall through, but it has.

This weekend i have been packing like crazy and during all that was when this moving thing actually hit me...this is real. what i am doing is for real.

as i looked at my room it was crowded with boxes and trash bags and my walls were completly naked, i got really sad.

i cant believe i am doing this right now. i always wanted to be out on my own before i turned 21 and now...i am going to be.

it has been stressful these last few days getting ready to move out but i know once i am settled in i can relax and enjoy it.



now i know this isnt going to be easy. at first people told me i wouldnt be able to do this. that i would fail. i started listening more to them. and it made me think no one was there to support me through this. but they are. as i was debating it i rememberd a while back i asked God to point me in some sort of new direction for me. i wanted to do something with my life and i needed him to point me there. help me get to where i want to be. i didnt know what it would be but i just wanted to do something with my life. i just needed motivation and God to help me get there. i asked for a new direction to get me where i need to be.... then when i rememberd this prayer i started to think....well this possibly could be the direction i need to go down. i need to step out of my comfort zone and try to stand on my own two feet. i hope this is it. BEing out on my own will maybe even bring me to new amazing experinces, not just hard ones but exciting ones. Maybe i will find a new job. Maybe this will help me grow up a little. start my own life.



i might struggle here and there but i know i can do this if i just set my mind to it and spend wisely. i have an amzing family who will be there for me and amazing friends.

this WILL work out for the best :) i jsut need to remember to put my trust in God and let him take this in his hands....



im gonna miss it here at home. really i am. s eeing my mom every night. my dad. coming home from work and seeing them on the couch. i will miss seeing the kids every time mom watches them. i will miss my own room here. its going to be different. very different. i wont have to call mom every time i am going to do something. but i will call her almost every day to say hello. i will miss her the most.



mom- i love you sooo much. i will ALWAYS be your little sweet...ALWAYS. i will miss being here with you. but you can come visit. and i probably will too :) thanks for everything. and supporting me through this. I LOVE YOU





March 7, 2009 - Saturday

My life as of now

Sometimes when u werent expecting it...things just all fall together. i am very happy being where i am today. I can finally say that things havnt been more better...that this is a start of something different but yet amazing. I am FINALLY going to school! And i am very excited. I think its going to be good for me:] i am playing volleyball again, which i loovvvee! The people i am surrounded with at practice are amazing. I feel happier doing that and being with people who make me laugh than at work. i dont know how to explain it but i feel almost like i live two diff lives. i look forward to going to practice and enjoying my time. i cannot wait to start school.



. i am enjoying this new feeling i have....its very unexplainable, unbeliveable, amazing, and VERY crazzzyy!! Chris is an amazing guy. And i am so happy i am going through this with him. We have a relationship ive never had before. We are so open and so honest. We can sit and talk for hours on end about anything and everything. And i loove how close we have gotten these last months. I never thought we had this much potential. I never knew we would be here :] especially looking back at how things were in the summer. i just love this and i love where we are at...there is nowhere else i would rather be and no one else i want to be with. he always makes me laugh and i am myself with him. we always have fun no matter what. its like living life on the edge :) thrilling and exciting.



life is good now. and i am very satisfied. i dont hang out with many people i have before. but people grow apart.it happens. just recently i have come to find out who truely are my true friends and will stick with me through anything....

and my family...they are very supportive. i am never really home anymore but i love them more than anything. they are the ones who keep me together.

i am just happy that things are finally turning around for a good cause.....i am ready for whats ahead. if things fall apart than thats that. but for now just gotta live in the moment and be ready for life throws at you again





January 12, 2009 - Monday

unpredictable & unbelievable

theres no reason to hold back anymore. No reason to hind behinds these walls. Its like you cant help yourself. You start to open up without even second guessing. It just happens and suddenly your right where you need to be...right where you wanted to be. Truth is....im not scared anymore.

I am done hiding, trying to protect myself. I am done with the constant "IF". You cant love someone when your just closing yourself off from them and they cant learn to love you for YOU.

So this is it...Its just Me and You! No gaurds, no doubts. The way i feel about you, about us is more than words can explain. I never wanted something to work so much before. When i met you never once did i see us being here today. I never imagined us together, so close, so open, so crazy. With you everything just happend. There were the times i felt like just giving up, but some part of me told me to just stick around, dont give up too easily. And now i am so happy i didnt.

with you things just make sense. i have never been in a relationship like ours. its so unusual and so unpredictable. i am exactly where i wanted to be... here with you! i only see things getting better. sure it was rocky, i had no say where it was going to go, but now 5 months later we are here...together.



December 18, 2008 - Thursday

looking back

we build walls to protect ourseleves. to protect us from getting hurt.



we build up higher walls as time goes on only to protect ourseleves from making the same mistakes again.



we sometimes never really say what we want. its like we are scared of rejection.



sometimes we are so used to getting hurt, that when something comes along its soo hard to open up.



or sometimes we hold on to the past too tightly that its hard to let anyone in. and too hard to except that the past is the past.



its like we think that somewhere someday it will come back, and we are too selfish to even try to let someone take its place.



sometimes we compare the new to the old. and sometimes we dont even give the new a chance....cuz we are too selfish, too stubborn.



sometimes we have questions that later we turn them into doubts.



we doubt others only cuz of what we have been through in the past. we have hard time trusting cause of what we have learned from the past.



see everyone has their walls up. no matter who they are.



there was something in the past that helped build them up. and eventually something will come along and help u tear them down. someday.



but we shouldnt let fear stop us from living. from loving. from taking chances.



life is way too short to let anything pass us by. if something good is infront of you you go for it.



we shoudlnt let the past mistakes get in the way of something. the past is the past. we get a little stronger and a little smarter. we gotta learn sometime.



im not going to let fear get in my way. i dont wanna think back to this day later and wish i said the things i wanted to say. done the things i wanted to do. i am just going to do it









November 13, 2008 - Thursday

these are the steps

falling back, falling out. i dont want either one of these... i wanna trip forward.



i dont wanna run i dont wanna push i dont wanna fall



i just want u to come around the corner........



these are the steps we take...the steps i am willing to take....



i am going to wlk right up to your door, knock, you open and i reach out to you.



i am going to tell you i am ready...and how this is going to go from this day on



i am going to be honest, maybe too honest. but if you understand you wont shut the door, youll listen and respect.



so..here i am at your door telling you to shut it behind you and come walk with me.



we will walk down the road and i will tell you.............let it go



time before you told me to not hold back to let it go



so this time its me telling you to be honest and let yourself go. let anything thats holding you back from whats ahead



so.....i am taking a breath now. walking out of this car up to your door....i knock....and wait................









May 30, 2008 - Friday

dreams vrs reality

everyone has their dreams....their hopes...they set dreams for themselevs hopeing to one day make them come true. i personally believe Anything is possible if you just believe you can...if you dont believe in yourself and if you have people by you that dont believe you can then you will have problems making it...you will just put it in your head that you CANT do it...that its pretty much impossible....but NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE......



i have a dream and i want to succeed this....i want to do something that is way out of my reach, that noone thinks i can do...i want to get out there....do something different and find myself...i want to get out of here...and try something different something i never thought i could do...



people will think i am crazy. they will do anything they can to talk me out of this..but i am young....i am not going to put away my life right now..i am going to MAKE my life....do something than just sit here and be the same person i haev been...working at payless living at home and seeing teh same people.....i dont care what anyone thinks.....



i do have alot to think about...i do have alot to analyze...dont think i am just doin this with no thought, cuz i am thinking......i am writing down the pros and cons....i know it wont be the same. but i am not talking about the rest of my life here...just for a while... who knows if this will actually happening... I AM JUST THINKING



i have a dream that for once i am so eager to come true...i am going to do this.....i believe i can and i hope the true ones in my life support me....

tonight

Well it is officially spring. I am very excited for everything thats ahead. I will be turning 21 May 4th and my little niece Abigail turns 6 on May 11th! Its so crazy that it already has been 6 years since Abgail was born. I remember her birth like it was yesterday! It was my first time ever seeing a baby be born and it was the most amazing thing to ever be a part of! It truely is a miracle :) Abigail is our familys blessing. I just can't believe how big she is getting! 

Anyway this spring is turning out great! I got a raise and offered full time at work, which I am so happy about. I really hope it goes through the DM and i can officially be full time. With only three of us girls at work its been very busy. Im working alot of hours, but that is nice because it means more money.

On top of all this excitment I am missing something. I miss going to school. Last spring I was attending EBC and loving it. I got to meet new people and learn not only about school work but about God too. It was a great experince and honestly...I wish I was still going. I am upset that finacial aid is a pain in my butt and that EBC is so expensive. Lately being at the games and going to volleyball practice really makes me miss it. I want my relationship with God to grow. I need to get the motivation and do something! I need to bring myself closer to him, build a solid relationship with God. This is something I keep saying I want to do but I slack on doing it. I need something, a little push......

Changes

Life now I feel is going to change. Recently someone I know opened my heart and mind to a lot of new things. I have been thinking alot about how I want to find God again. How maybe there is more and better out there for me. Dont get me wrong, I love Christopher so much and I do see him being the father of my kids but I feel that there could be someone better, possibly. But that is a risk I would have to take. And its not really a risk I want to take right now. But this someone is very intellegent, smart, loves God and put him before anything. I knew I could have a great friendship with this person. BUT....this someone is no longer in my life. It wasn't the right moment. But I feel he was in my life for just the right time. It does suck we probably will not become friends and have those talks we did before, or hang out. And that is something I am trying to accept in this moment. But even if he isnt a part of my life I know he has made a difference!
So Life will change. I know its going to. And right now I have to try to accept that. And accept that this someone is gone.
 But I have a feeling that life will work itself out and that one day soon all will be right in my life.
And you never know what a simple action will change!!

Writings From High School

Life is Not A Textbook

Nothing is simple
Life is not a textbook
We can't live our lives
The way they teach us
We can read books
That helps us become a better person
But only we can help ourselves change
We all make mistakes
And we shouldn't be ashamed of that
Because it shapes us to the person we become
We grow up hearing
"Go to college, work hard,
Be responsible, do what's right."
We are taught right from wrong
But how do we know it's the truth?
Somewhere between all this
We lose ourselves
We try hard to please everyone
And then we become someone we aren't
How do we konw if we are doing the right thing?
There is so much to do in this life
So many choices,
And distractions,
But so little time.
Sometimes I feel like breaking down
I feel I can never be good enough
I live my life the way I want
Not by what someone things i should
I don't listen to those critics
I don't read books
Just so I can be better
I live my life for myself
I live by my mistakes
And my experinces
My life is my story
It is not a textbook
For others to learn
And study from
It's my life, my story
I write as I go on
And I am hopeing somewhere
In this story I find who I am

The Walls You Created

I stand here with nothing to hide,

But everything to lose

I have put up my barrier,

But every time you come around

The walls fall down.

I should be scared,

But with you I'm not.

After all we've been through

You still find a way to my heart.

It's like my walls fall down only for you

Even though it was you

Who helped put them up.

What I Used to Think

I used to think that love was just another word...
But then it wasn't often heard...
Thinking that life was easy was my biggest mistake,
For when love really struck it caused the biggest decay
My mother always told me love was no joke
When you take things for granted you always seem to choke
So be careful for what you think is love 'cause it's a fact.
When you thing you fall in love with a guy
They always stab you in the back
Whenever things seemed to go wrong guys give you all the blame
They thing every part of life is just some little game
But, when the time coems for you to move on
They want you to stay and never be gone.
If love was some kind of happy thing then it wouldn't be as bad
as it always seems.
But only God can love you more than anyone can
'Cause it's unconditional.
There's no limit, no stand;
Are guys really worth all this pain?
The time will come when they're are really to blame
For you when you don't dwell on the past
Tens years later you'll be the first one they ask.

...........

As i sit here its hard to not think about this. Its hard to explain this. I get excited and i just want more time. Is that bad? Perhaps it is. Its not supposed to be like this. I am just supposed to feel nothing. My mind isnt supposed to wander, but...it does. And thats something i cant control. (sigh) Sometimes I'm scared that the way that I feel is written all over my face.
.
.
.what am i doing?

dream

"Me, my two sisters and my mom were driving home one night when i noticed shooting stars all throughout the sky. Suddenly i noticed the moon was too close to earth and a satellite was right next to it. I was worried, it wasnt normal for the moon and satellite to be that close. Then my sister noticed an airplane that was super close to us too. We both were confused. Why does it seem everythings falling out of the sky? Erin started to cry and right when i look out the front window of the car i see fire, its burning the road ahead and only coming towards us. My sisters and i are crying, worried, scared and my mom starts singing a christian song. As the fire is getting closer to us we all start singing along with her. I close my eyes as the fire passes us. When my eyes open i realize we are all safe and the fire did not harm us."
That was my dream i had last night. I talked to my mom about it and i started to see what it was about. Maybe i havnt been right with God lately. And in my dream praising God was what saved me and my family. The world was coming to an end and God saved us. I need to get right with God. I need to start becoming closer, start building the relationship i had with him. Sooner or later everything will come to an end so before it does i need to get right. i want to get right with God

the future

So when does our "future" start?
People say "We're still young."
"We have all the time in the world."
But when does that time start running out?
When do we start growing up?
And how much time do we have
To get to where we want to be in the future?
To get where we want to be takes time,
but it also takes motivation, determination.
We wont get anywhere if all we do is talk
about where we want to go and what we want to do.
Our future starts as soon as we are born
We are building our future every moment we have.
Sure we are still young and have so much to look forward to
but what happens when we start running out of time?
I know where i want to be in the next 5 years.
But will it happen?
Everything happens fast, and everything changes.
Its up to us to decide when we want to start building our future.



Two people, one goal.
But when do they start reaching for it?
Will he start moving ahead
Is he going to be ready when she is?
What happens when they run out of time?
She wants to be there with him
but if he's not ready
then she might have to leave in order to be where she wants to be.
Its all up to him.
When will he start moving ahead?
We arent always going to be young.
Sooner or later we will have to grow up
and make grown up decisions.

Trust Cheating Lies

two writings i found from april....

Trust Cheating Lies

Why do people cheat?

In her eyes she had everything she needed and wanted.
She had him.
They had trust and an honest relationship.
Finally she found someone who made her happy.
They put their past behind them and looked to the future..
Nothing could go wrong...well at least thats what she thought

But she was wrong.
One day in April she started to question everything.
Their relationship, and everything he ever said to her.
He did the one thing
she never thought he would do.
His act caught her off gaurd; He kissed that girl.
He never told her, instead she found out on her own.

As she sat there putting all the pieces together,
it all made sense.
The other girl would text late, find "excuses" to see him.
She knew this was to happen...
But why?
why the man she loves, the man she trusted
do such a thing?




2.
Have you ever known something but wish you didnt?
Have you ever thought that nothing could wrong
but in a blink of an eye it all falls apart?
That what you thought was real suddenly was tested
That the trust you had built was broken
Have you ever thought "it would never happen." but then it does

In life not everything works out
the way we planned.
Things happen unexpectdly all the time
Good and bad
People who love us, hurt us.
Its just life..