just a dream

Its been months now...
I thought that things would be easier by now. But I am still finding myself driving around town, driving anywhere. Going there and every where. I work, and i stay busy. I distract myself every day. I have just been running away from these feelings. I don't want to feel that empty feeling in my stomach. I still find it hard to wake up somedays. Its like it would be easier to keep sleeping that way i dont have to deal with it. Every day i am reminded of him. Everything reminds me of him, of us. There are things that happen to me through out the day and i find myself wanting to tell him. I try to run away from it all. I hardly sleep in my own bed or even stay home alone. I just keep running but honestly nothing really works, i still miss him. Everything is still there. I don't like thinking that this could be it. That everything we have built together is gone. When i start to think about everything, about us about how those are moments i cant get back anymore...i lose it......Its like i hold everything in for so long. I try to distract myself from feeling anything that when a moment like tonight happens, i lose it. Everything just falls. I wish i could stop crying over this and move ahead and i wish i could say that its that simple but i am afraid its not. 2 years of my life has been with him. People can say that 2 years is nothing but with how WE were together, our closeness, it feels like we were together 5 more years. Even though he is not around as much, i can still feel a part of him. I feel like he is still there in my heart. I think what makes this harder is that he was everything i wanted. i had no doubts that i wanted to marry him.
This feeling, it has not gone away. This has not got any easier. Songs come on the radio and make me think of him. Even the stupid seasons remind me of our memories from the previous year. Our memories still feel like yesterday. Its hard thinking that those 2 years was all we got.....
I go on my days fighting back tears, trying to be okay. I try to get a long with out him. I hate thinking that maybe this is only killing me. That this is not hurting him.
He knows me well enough to know that this is not easy for me. And if he is the guy i know; he could even be running away from his feelings as well.
Every day i miss him. Every day i try to distract my self and hold my feelings in.
I have seen him, and honestly its great. Everything we have together, the feelings, everything is still there. You can not fake something that real. I try to tell myself that im okay with seeing him like this. But im not gonna lie, i do miss being a part of his life everyday. Not ness be with him everyday but the comfort knowing I AM WITH HIM, that this is it. He is mine and i am his. i love it when he is here. I just want those nights to last and the mornings to last.  When i see him everything just lifts up. I still get butterflies. I try not to let myself lose control but sometimes i do. sometimes i let all my gaurds down again. With him its an easy thing to do.

This all seems so unreal to me. Its not real. I know it is real, but this wasnt supposed to be like this. I never planned on us to be here. Its hard to believe that we are not together. It bothers me, its makes me wish i could go back and fix it before it happend. I get so upset, so hurt. But even though its killing me inside, i do smile knowing that i know what REAL love feels like. I have loved with my whole heart. I know how it feels to be so wrapped up and i know how it feels to have your heart broken.

People can look at me and think i am doing just fine, that i am living life as well; which i am. But that does not mean it hurts inside. Does not mean that my heart still aches, that my heart still loves him. That when i see him i feel so happy. Everyday i miss him and think about him. Everyday i go through this......
Every day feels like a dream........