old blogs

I think the only thing that was holding my back from deleting my 'myspace' were the blogs i had on there. I started writing blogs on there  my sophmore year and I really didnt want to see them disapear. But there is a time to let go of the past and move ahead. So I copied only  a few recent ones that i wanted to keep. And Im putting them on here....

October 2, 2009 - Friday


It doesnt matter how much love you have in the beginning but how much love u build til the end

Its almost a year and it doesnt even feel like it. I feel like it was a couple months ago when i met him. I wasnt looking for anything when we met, but that night he kissed me i wanted something. I felt that i could really like him and we could have something good. I really didnt know what i was getting myself into at first. After all, we did meet month after both of our relationships ended.

THings for us were not easy in the beginning at all. The more i hung out with this boy i started to really like him, but he had this side of him that i hated. He would want to hang out then bail the next day. It was hard for me and it did get to the point that i wanted to walk away and just let it be. BUT......i couldnt get myself to walk away. There was something about this man i was drawn to. I kept telling myself that if i stuck around, he would come around and realize how great this actually could be if we spent more time together. Then that day in October came around and we made a deal. I told him after tonight that we would start letting ourselves go and not hold anything back. That day was the beginning of our story :) Oct 6th 2008.

Suddenly he came around and our relationship was becoming alot more mature. He started opening up more and not being scared to let himself go around me and show me how he feels. We were becoming alot more closer and honest with eachother. From the time we first startd hanging out Chris and i have never had any problems talking about anything we needed to talk about. And i think that is why we have the relationship we do.

Time has flown by. And as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months we grew...We grew with eachother...We learned from eachother..and we fell in love with eachother.

Our memories we have made during this year are memories i will cherish forever. It amazes me how much we have already grown together. Some realtionships "crazy head over heels" feeling fades after a while but ours.....it keeps growing ") and i love it

We delt with alot of bull shit in the beginning just like any other relationship. we delt with "ex girlfriend" "situations" "lies" but somehow we conqured it all. I feel we have delt with some stuff in the first year that most couples dont experince yet. Everything we have gone through together has only made us stronger.

Through the hard times we found love.

He is the man that i have been looking for. He is the man that can understand me, even on my bad days. He is the man who can see what he has when he looks into my eyes. He is my soulmate.

I always thought that i would need to be single to be free and have my own life but.....with him i learned i dont haveto be single. We have our own lives outside of our relationship. He can do his thing and i do mine. All because we have TRUST in eachother. we have trust and honesty.

Our relationhip doesnt add up to the perfect equation...

There is chaos, maddness and passion.

He makes me go crazy out of my mind...

what we have isnt perfect but all the imperfections make it perfect.

He is the man i was meant to wake up to every morning.

I have already learned so much from him. I have learned that i have never been in love like this. I have never had a man that appreciated what he had. I have learned that nothing is perfect and the only way to get over the past is to accept it and move forward. You cant move ahead if you dont know where you have been.

This is what i have been looking for...

i never knew that the man i met at the 3 on 3 july of 08 would be the man who stole my heart...MY TRUE LOVE







September 14, 2009 - Monday

this is it..the next step

Today i will be moving out of my parents and on my own.

i am nervous, excited, sad, happy and anxious.

this all happend about a month ago. my friend ashley asked if i was looking to move out.

i honestly didnt think it would actually all fall through, but it has.

This weekend i have been packing like crazy and during all that was when this moving thing actually hit me...this is real. what i am doing is for real.

as i looked at my room it was crowded with boxes and trash bags and my walls were completly naked, i got really sad.

i cant believe i am doing this right now. i always wanted to be out on my own before i turned 21 and now...i am going to be.

it has been stressful these last few days getting ready to move out but i know once i am settled in i can relax and enjoy it.



now i know this isnt going to be easy. at first people told me i wouldnt be able to do this. that i would fail. i started listening more to them. and it made me think no one was there to support me through this. but they are. as i was debating it i rememberd a while back i asked God to point me in some sort of new direction for me. i wanted to do something with my life and i needed him to point me there. help me get to where i want to be. i didnt know what it would be but i just wanted to do something with my life. i just needed motivation and God to help me get there. i asked for a new direction to get me where i need to be.... then when i rememberd this prayer i started to think....well this possibly could be the direction i need to go down. i need to step out of my comfort zone and try to stand on my own two feet. i hope this is it. BEing out on my own will maybe even bring me to new amazing experinces, not just hard ones but exciting ones. Maybe i will find a new job. Maybe this will help me grow up a little. start my own life.



i might struggle here and there but i know i can do this if i just set my mind to it and spend wisely. i have an amzing family who will be there for me and amazing friends.

this WILL work out for the best :) i jsut need to remember to put my trust in God and let him take this in his hands....



im gonna miss it here at home. really i am. s eeing my mom every night. my dad. coming home from work and seeing them on the couch. i will miss seeing the kids every time mom watches them. i will miss my own room here. its going to be different. very different. i wont have to call mom every time i am going to do something. but i will call her almost every day to say hello. i will miss her the most.



mom- i love you sooo much. i will ALWAYS be your little sweet...ALWAYS. i will miss being here with you. but you can come visit. and i probably will too :) thanks for everything. and supporting me through this. I LOVE YOU





March 7, 2009 - Saturday

My life as of now

Sometimes when u werent expecting it...things just all fall together. i am very happy being where i am today. I can finally say that things havnt been more better...that this is a start of something different but yet amazing. I am FINALLY going to school! And i am very excited. I think its going to be good for me:] i am playing volleyball again, which i loovvvee! The people i am surrounded with at practice are amazing. I feel happier doing that and being with people who make me laugh than at work. i dont know how to explain it but i feel almost like i live two diff lives. i look forward to going to practice and enjoying my time. i cannot wait to start school.



. i am enjoying this new feeling i have....its very unexplainable, unbeliveable, amazing, and VERY crazzzyy!! Chris is an amazing guy. And i am so happy i am going through this with him. We have a relationship ive never had before. We are so open and so honest. We can sit and talk for hours on end about anything and everything. And i loove how close we have gotten these last months. I never thought we had this much potential. I never knew we would be here :] especially looking back at how things were in the summer. i just love this and i love where we are at...there is nowhere else i would rather be and no one else i want to be with. he always makes me laugh and i am myself with him. we always have fun no matter what. its like living life on the edge :) thrilling and exciting.



life is good now. and i am very satisfied. i dont hang out with many people i have before. but people grow apart.it happens. just recently i have come to find out who truely are my true friends and will stick with me through anything....

and my family...they are very supportive. i am never really home anymore but i love them more than anything. they are the ones who keep me together.

i am just happy that things are finally turning around for a good cause.....i am ready for whats ahead. if things fall apart than thats that. but for now just gotta live in the moment and be ready for life throws at you again





January 12, 2009 - Monday

unpredictable & unbelievable

theres no reason to hold back anymore. No reason to hind behinds these walls. Its like you cant help yourself. You start to open up without even second guessing. It just happens and suddenly your right where you need to be...right where you wanted to be. Truth is....im not scared anymore.

I am done hiding, trying to protect myself. I am done with the constant "IF". You cant love someone when your just closing yourself off from them and they cant learn to love you for YOU.

So this is it...Its just Me and You! No gaurds, no doubts. The way i feel about you, about us is more than words can explain. I never wanted something to work so much before. When i met you never once did i see us being here today. I never imagined us together, so close, so open, so crazy. With you everything just happend. There were the times i felt like just giving up, but some part of me told me to just stick around, dont give up too easily. And now i am so happy i didnt.

with you things just make sense. i have never been in a relationship like ours. its so unusual and so unpredictable. i am exactly where i wanted to be... here with you! i only see things getting better. sure it was rocky, i had no say where it was going to go, but now 5 months later we are here...together.



December 18, 2008 - Thursday

looking back

we build walls to protect ourseleves. to protect us from getting hurt.



we build up higher walls as time goes on only to protect ourseleves from making the same mistakes again.



we sometimes never really say what we want. its like we are scared of rejection.



sometimes we are so used to getting hurt, that when something comes along its soo hard to open up.



or sometimes we hold on to the past too tightly that its hard to let anyone in. and too hard to except that the past is the past.



its like we think that somewhere someday it will come back, and we are too selfish to even try to let someone take its place.



sometimes we compare the new to the old. and sometimes we dont even give the new a chance....cuz we are too selfish, too stubborn.



sometimes we have questions that later we turn them into doubts.



we doubt others only cuz of what we have been through in the past. we have hard time trusting cause of what we have learned from the past.



see everyone has their walls up. no matter who they are.



there was something in the past that helped build them up. and eventually something will come along and help u tear them down. someday.



but we shouldnt let fear stop us from living. from loving. from taking chances.



life is way too short to let anything pass us by. if something good is infront of you you go for it.



we shoudlnt let the past mistakes get in the way of something. the past is the past. we get a little stronger and a little smarter. we gotta learn sometime.



im not going to let fear get in my way. i dont wanna think back to this day later and wish i said the things i wanted to say. done the things i wanted to do. i am just going to do it









November 13, 2008 - Thursday

these are the steps

falling back, falling out. i dont want either one of these... i wanna trip forward.



i dont wanna run i dont wanna push i dont wanna fall



i just want u to come around the corner........



these are the steps we take...the steps i am willing to take....



i am going to wlk right up to your door, knock, you open and i reach out to you.



i am going to tell you i am ready...and how this is going to go from this day on



i am going to be honest, maybe too honest. but if you understand you wont shut the door, youll listen and respect.



so..here i am at your door telling you to shut it behind you and come walk with me.



we will walk down the road and i will tell you.............let it go



time before you told me to not hold back to let it go



so this time its me telling you to be honest and let yourself go. let anything thats holding you back from whats ahead



so.....i am taking a breath now. walking out of this car up to your door....i knock....and wait................









May 30, 2008 - Friday

dreams vrs reality

everyone has their dreams....their hopes...they set dreams for themselevs hopeing to one day make them come true. i personally believe Anything is possible if you just believe you can...if you dont believe in yourself and if you have people by you that dont believe you can then you will have problems making it...you will just put it in your head that you CANT do it...that its pretty much impossible....but NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE......



i have a dream and i want to succeed this....i want to do something that is way out of my reach, that noone thinks i can do...i want to get out there....do something different and find myself...i want to get out of here...and try something different something i never thought i could do...



people will think i am crazy. they will do anything they can to talk me out of this..but i am young....i am not going to put away my life right now..i am going to MAKE my life....do something than just sit here and be the same person i haev been...working at payless living at home and seeing teh same people.....i dont care what anyone thinks.....



i do have alot to think about...i do have alot to analyze...dont think i am just doin this with no thought, cuz i am thinking......i am writing down the pros and cons....i know it wont be the same. but i am not talking about the rest of my life here...just for a while... who knows if this will actually happening... I AM JUST THINKING



i have a dream that for once i am so eager to come true...i am going to do this.....i believe i can and i hope the true ones in my life support me....