Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Bette-this one's for you
This video is perfect for Bette.
For the last four years i have been working for Payless Shoe source. I never would of thought i would meet the strongest woman i know. Bette was a manager for one of the stores. When i first met her i had no idea she had cancer. She was one of those that didn't really talk about it. She didn't dwell on her pain, she just lived her life. It wasn't until Jan 2011 that i actually got a chance to know her. The cancer was spreading and being a manager was getting too hard so she stepped down to full time and i became the manager of the store she has ran for the last 13 years. Bette was an amazing woman. I learned so much about her and her life the time i worked with her. She was strong, funny, and nice. Bette was my mentor. She always was there for me when i needed help. Every day we would laugh, joke, and complain bout our days or how slow work was. I will never forget her little wink she would always give me, or the day she helped me and comforted me when a mean costumer ruined my day. What i loved about Bette was no matter what she was dealing with or the pain she was feeling she was always working hard and smiling. Bette always showed up at work and never took a break. She was stubborn as well. She didnt want to rest or take time off. She wanted to keep going. Bette was a joker. She was a friend. A confidant. A mentor. Bette would tell me stories bout her life. Where she went, what she did, and her memories of her past, the good times and the bad. I realized then that Bette lived her life. She went to places we would never imagine going. She went through hard times. She had amazing kids who supported her. And she had a wonderful boyfriend who stood by her side. Even though he drove her crazy they loved each other. He would go with her to all chemo treatments and sit by her side. He would take out to lunch after. Help around her house. He did everything for, even towards the end when she was at her worst. Bette is an inspiration. My life was touched because of her. Its amazing how in such a short amount of time how well you get to know a person, and how they can make such a big impact in your life. Bette was such a strong woman and i know that she is in a better place now. I am glad that she does not have to suffer anymore. Since 2003 bette has been fighting this cancer. But now she can be free. You will be missed Bette. Every day, always.
Bette, i miss seeing you every day at work. I miss talking to you, complaining about the things no one else would really understand. I miss joking with you. It still feels unreal that you are gone and i will never see you again. I wish i could of got the chance to tell you how awesome you are to me. I know you are in better hands now. And remember all of us miss you and love you! Thank you so much for everything. For always listening to me and helping me when i needed it. You are so strong and i appreciate all your hard work you did. I will keep the store nice and rocking the numbers for you! I miss you. And hopefully will get to see you in the future.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
truth be told
You fight your battles every day.
You don't know if its ever going to end.
You have the days you feel like surrendering.
You have given all you could.
You're losing the good fight.
Its hard some days. I just feel like giving up. Maybe if i walked away i would have peace. I have this secret i hold and its breaking me down. All i want is the TRUTH to come out. To be told the truth. I want closure. But then again, i wish it wasn't true. I think about it and realize that with this, its only going to bring down this relationship. But its not my fault this happened. I was not in the wrong. I was just the girl who had no idea. I was so wrapped up that i did not see this coming. I say its not my fault, but maybe it is. Maybe i went wrong somewhere before. Maybe i was not good enough or did not give all i could. This "secret" is what brings me down. Makes me feel that i am not good enough. Because if someone you love really did love you, why would they do something like this to you?...............I have all these questions. i try to ignore it. And majority of the days i am good and WE are good. but what happend months ago i cant get over....it makes me worry. makes me sad. i dont deserve it. i never did anything to deserve it.
i may look like the fool cuz i am still here. but i am here because i feel two people can get passed it. But the truth needs to be told.
You don't know if its ever going to end.
You have the days you feel like surrendering.
You have given all you could.
You're losing the good fight.
Its hard some days. I just feel like giving up. Maybe if i walked away i would have peace. I have this secret i hold and its breaking me down. All i want is the TRUTH to come out. To be told the truth. I want closure. But then again, i wish it wasn't true. I think about it and realize that with this, its only going to bring down this relationship. But its not my fault this happened. I was not in the wrong. I was just the girl who had no idea. I was so wrapped up that i did not see this coming. I say its not my fault, but maybe it is. Maybe i went wrong somewhere before. Maybe i was not good enough or did not give all i could. This "secret" is what brings me down. Makes me feel that i am not good enough. Because if someone you love really did love you, why would they do something like this to you?...............I have all these questions. i try to ignore it. And majority of the days i am good and WE are good. but what happend months ago i cant get over....it makes me worry. makes me sad. i dont deserve it. i never did anything to deserve it.
i may look like the fool cuz i am still here. but i am here because i feel two people can get passed it. But the truth needs to be told.
when you are with someone
When you are with someone for a couple years, you learn a lot about love, honesty, trust, lies, pain and happiness. You also get to know that person. Their fears, what makes them happy, their goals in life, and you also know things that they dont realize you know. Like you can always tell if they are not telling you the truth, or if something is wrong. You get to know this person inside and out. Its a great thing.
When you are with someone for a couple years you fall in love with your best friend. You only see them in your future and cant imagine life without them. But also you come across problems. You have fights, and obstacles that try and tear you apart. And once something comes along and tears you apart, it makes it harder to go back and have everything you have had before.But you can still work it out. Just remember...its not gonna be the same.
When you are with someone for a couple years you fall in love with your best friend. You only see them in your future and cant imagine life without them. But also you come across problems. You have fights, and obstacles that try and tear you apart. And once something comes along and tears you apart, it makes it harder to go back and have everything you have had before.But you can still work it out. Just remember...its not gonna be the same.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
just a dream
Its been months now...
I thought that things would be easier by now. But I am still finding myself driving around town, driving anywhere. Going there and every where. I work, and i stay busy. I distract myself every day. I have just been running away from these feelings. I don't want to feel that empty feeling in my stomach. I still find it hard to wake up somedays. Its like it would be easier to keep sleeping that way i dont have to deal with it. Every day i am reminded of him. Everything reminds me of him, of us. There are things that happen to me through out the day and i find myself wanting to tell him. I try to run away from it all. I hardly sleep in my own bed or even stay home alone. I just keep running but honestly nothing really works, i still miss him. Everything is still there. I don't like thinking that this could be it. That everything we have built together is gone. When i start to think about everything, about us about how those are moments i cant get back anymore...i lose it......Its like i hold everything in for so long. I try to distract myself from feeling anything that when a moment like tonight happens, i lose it. Everything just falls. I wish i could stop crying over this and move ahead and i wish i could say that its that simple but i am afraid its not. 2 years of my life has been with him. People can say that 2 years is nothing but with how WE were together, our closeness, it feels like we were together 5 more years. Even though he is not around as much, i can still feel a part of him. I feel like he is still there in my heart. I think what makes this harder is that he was everything i wanted. i had no doubts that i wanted to marry him.
This feeling, it has not gone away. This has not got any easier. Songs come on the radio and make me think of him. Even the stupid seasons remind me of our memories from the previous year. Our memories still feel like yesterday. Its hard thinking that those 2 years was all we got.....
I go on my days fighting back tears, trying to be okay. I try to get a long with out him. I hate thinking that maybe this is only killing me. That this is not hurting him.
He knows me well enough to know that this is not easy for me. And if he is the guy i know; he could even be running away from his feelings as well.
Every day i miss him. Every day i try to distract my self and hold my feelings in.
I have seen him, and honestly its great. Everything we have together, the feelings, everything is still there. You can not fake something that real. I try to tell myself that im okay with seeing him like this. But im not gonna lie, i do miss being a part of his life everyday. Not ness be with him everyday but the comfort knowing I AM WITH HIM, that this is it. He is mine and i am his. i love it when he is here. I just want those nights to last and the mornings to last. When i see him everything just lifts up. I still get butterflies. I try not to let myself lose control but sometimes i do. sometimes i let all my gaurds down again. With him its an easy thing to do.
This all seems so unreal to me. Its not real. I know it is real, but this wasnt supposed to be like this. I never planned on us to be here. Its hard to believe that we are not together. It bothers me, its makes me wish i could go back and fix it before it happend. I get so upset, so hurt. But even though its killing me inside, i do smile knowing that i know what REAL love feels like. I have loved with my whole heart. I know how it feels to be so wrapped up and i know how it feels to have your heart broken.
People can look at me and think i am doing just fine, that i am living life as well; which i am. But that does not mean it hurts inside. Does not mean that my heart still aches, that my heart still loves him. That when i see him i feel so happy. Everyday i miss him and think about him. Everyday i go through this......
Every day feels like a dream........
I thought that things would be easier by now. But I am still finding myself driving around town, driving anywhere. Going there and every where. I work, and i stay busy. I distract myself every day. I have just been running away from these feelings. I don't want to feel that empty feeling in my stomach. I still find it hard to wake up somedays. Its like it would be easier to keep sleeping that way i dont have to deal with it. Every day i am reminded of him. Everything reminds me of him, of us. There are things that happen to me through out the day and i find myself wanting to tell him. I try to run away from it all. I hardly sleep in my own bed or even stay home alone. I just keep running but honestly nothing really works, i still miss him. Everything is still there. I don't like thinking that this could be it. That everything we have built together is gone. When i start to think about everything, about us about how those are moments i cant get back anymore...i lose it......Its like i hold everything in for so long. I try to distract myself from feeling anything that when a moment like tonight happens, i lose it. Everything just falls. I wish i could stop crying over this and move ahead and i wish i could say that its that simple but i am afraid its not. 2 years of my life has been with him. People can say that 2 years is nothing but with how WE were together, our closeness, it feels like we were together 5 more years. Even though he is not around as much, i can still feel a part of him. I feel like he is still there in my heart. I think what makes this harder is that he was everything i wanted. i had no doubts that i wanted to marry him.
This feeling, it has not gone away. This has not got any easier. Songs come on the radio and make me think of him. Even the stupid seasons remind me of our memories from the previous year. Our memories still feel like yesterday. Its hard thinking that those 2 years was all we got.....
I go on my days fighting back tears, trying to be okay. I try to get a long with out him. I hate thinking that maybe this is only killing me. That this is not hurting him.
He knows me well enough to know that this is not easy for me. And if he is the guy i know; he could even be running away from his feelings as well.
Every day i miss him. Every day i try to distract my self and hold my feelings in.
I have seen him, and honestly its great. Everything we have together, the feelings, everything is still there. You can not fake something that real. I try to tell myself that im okay with seeing him like this. But im not gonna lie, i do miss being a part of his life everyday. Not ness be with him everyday but the comfort knowing I AM WITH HIM, that this is it. He is mine and i am his. i love it when he is here. I just want those nights to last and the mornings to last. When i see him everything just lifts up. I still get butterflies. I try not to let myself lose control but sometimes i do. sometimes i let all my gaurds down again. With him its an easy thing to do.
This all seems so unreal to me. Its not real. I know it is real, but this wasnt supposed to be like this. I never planned on us to be here. Its hard to believe that we are not together. It bothers me, its makes me wish i could go back and fix it before it happend. I get so upset, so hurt. But even though its killing me inside, i do smile knowing that i know what REAL love feels like. I have loved with my whole heart. I know how it feels to be so wrapped up and i know how it feels to have your heart broken.
People can look at me and think i am doing just fine, that i am living life as well; which i am. But that does not mean it hurts inside. Does not mean that my heart still aches, that my heart still loves him. That when i see him i feel so happy. Everyday i miss him and think about him. Everyday i go through this......
Every day feels like a dream........
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger
Found a song that explains exactly what i have felt/feeling
When you lose someone the first day/week/ month is always hard!! You feel like you cant go on, you feel like running away and never coming back. Feel like you dont want to get out of bed, that you cant make it through another day. Your whole stomach feels empty and that your heart is caving in your chest. Its not the best feeling in the world!! And honestly, i dont ever want to experience it again, but i know that this is a part of life. Something everyone has to go through. But as days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months you get a little stronger. It may hurt, and you may miss them from time to time but you can get through it and pick your self up off the ground.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."
In moments like this, its hard to understand and accept letting someone go. Especially if your truely care for them.
For me, Im dealing with it everyday. I tell myself that i need to just let him go, but its so hard to do. It was hard to walk away in the beginning and now that 2 years of being together, knowing that he was what i want the most, yes its hard to walk away now.
I know in my heart i should. And that i need to do the right thing for me. But it is not as easy as everyone makes it seem.
I want more than anything to keep fighting, keep holding on but when is enough?? And is it really worth it, worth the fight, worth the confusion, the pain, everything?
At this point i want to say that it is, but honestly i dont really know anymore.
In moments like this, its hard to understand and accept letting someone go. Especially if your truely care for them.
For me, Im dealing with it everyday. I tell myself that i need to just let him go, but its so hard to do. It was hard to walk away in the beginning and now that 2 years of being together, knowing that he was what i want the most, yes its hard to walk away now.
I know in my heart i should. And that i need to do the right thing for me. But it is not as easy as everyone makes it seem.
I want more than anything to keep fighting, keep holding on but when is enough?? And is it really worth it, worth the fight, worth the confusion, the pain, everything?
At this point i want to say that it is, but honestly i dont really know anymore.
Friday, May 21, 2010
old blogs
I think the only thing that was holding my back from deleting my 'myspace' were the blogs i had on there. I started writing blogs on there my sophmore year and I really didnt want to see them disapear. But there is a time to let go of the past and move ahead. So I copied only a few recent ones that i wanted to keep. And Im putting them on here....
October 2, 2009 - Friday
It doesnt matter how much love you have in the beginning but how much love u build til the end
Its almost a year and it doesnt even feel like it. I feel like it was a couple months ago when i met him. I wasnt looking for anything when we met, but that night he kissed me i wanted something. I felt that i could really like him and we could have something good. I really didnt know what i was getting myself into at first. After all, we did meet month after both of our relationships ended.
THings for us were not easy in the beginning at all. The more i hung out with this boy i started to really like him, but he had this side of him that i hated. He would want to hang out then bail the next day. It was hard for me and it did get to the point that i wanted to walk away and just let it be. BUT......i couldnt get myself to walk away. There was something about this man i was drawn to. I kept telling myself that if i stuck around, he would come around and realize how great this actually could be if we spent more time together. Then that day in October came around and we made a deal. I told him after tonight that we would start letting ourselves go and not hold anything back. That day was the beginning of our story :) Oct 6th 2008.
Suddenly he came around and our relationship was becoming alot more mature. He started opening up more and not being scared to let himself go around me and show me how he feels. We were becoming alot more closer and honest with eachother. From the time we first startd hanging out Chris and i have never had any problems talking about anything we needed to talk about. And i think that is why we have the relationship we do.
Time has flown by. And as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months we grew...We grew with eachother...We learned from eachother..and we fell in love with eachother.
Our memories we have made during this year are memories i will cherish forever. It amazes me how much we have already grown together. Some realtionships "crazy head over heels" feeling fades after a while but ours.....it keeps growing ") and i love it
We delt with alot of bull shit in the beginning just like any other relationship. we delt with "ex girlfriend" "situations" "lies" but somehow we conqured it all. I feel we have delt with some stuff in the first year that most couples dont experince yet. Everything we have gone through together has only made us stronger.
Through the hard times we found love.
He is the man that i have been looking for. He is the man that can understand me, even on my bad days. He is the man who can see what he has when he looks into my eyes. He is my soulmate.
I always thought that i would need to be single to be free and have my own life but.....with him i learned i dont haveto be single. We have our own lives outside of our relationship. He can do his thing and i do mine. All because we have TRUST in eachother. we have trust and honesty.
Our relationhip doesnt add up to the perfect equation...
There is chaos, maddness and passion.
He makes me go crazy out of my mind...
what we have isnt perfect but all the imperfections make it perfect.
He is the man i was meant to wake up to every morning.
I have already learned so much from him. I have learned that i have never been in love like this. I have never had a man that appreciated what he had. I have learned that nothing is perfect and the only way to get over the past is to accept it and move forward. You cant move ahead if you dont know where you have been.
This is what i have been looking for...
i never knew that the man i met at the 3 on 3 july of 08 would be the man who stole my heart...MY TRUE LOVE
September 14, 2009 - Monday
this is it..the next step
Today i will be moving out of my parents and on my own.
i am nervous, excited, sad, happy and anxious.
this all happend about a month ago. my friend ashley asked if i was looking to move out.
i honestly didnt think it would actually all fall through, but it has.
This weekend i have been packing like crazy and during all that was when this moving thing actually hit me...this is real. what i am doing is for real.
as i looked at my room it was crowded with boxes and trash bags and my walls were completly naked, i got really sad.
i cant believe i am doing this right now. i always wanted to be out on my own before i turned 21 and now...i am going to be.
it has been stressful these last few days getting ready to move out but i know once i am settled in i can relax and enjoy it.
now i know this isnt going to be easy. at first people told me i wouldnt be able to do this. that i would fail. i started listening more to them. and it made me think no one was there to support me through this. but they are. as i was debating it i rememberd a while back i asked God to point me in some sort of new direction for me. i wanted to do something with my life and i needed him to point me there. help me get to where i want to be. i didnt know what it would be but i just wanted to do something with my life. i just needed motivation and God to help me get there. i asked for a new direction to get me where i need to be.... then when i rememberd this prayer i started to think....well this possibly could be the direction i need to go down. i need to step out of my comfort zone and try to stand on my own two feet. i hope this is it. BEing out on my own will maybe even bring me to new amazing experinces, not just hard ones but exciting ones. Maybe i will find a new job. Maybe this will help me grow up a little. start my own life.
i might struggle here and there but i know i can do this if i just set my mind to it and spend wisely. i have an amzing family who will be there for me and amazing friends.
this WILL work out for the best :) i jsut need to remember to put my trust in God and let him take this in his hands....
im gonna miss it here at home. really i am. s eeing my mom every night. my dad. coming home from work and seeing them on the couch. i will miss seeing the kids every time mom watches them. i will miss my own room here. its going to be different. very different. i wont have to call mom every time i am going to do something. but i will call her almost every day to say hello. i will miss her the most.
mom- i love you sooo much. i will ALWAYS be your little sweet...ALWAYS. i will miss being here with you. but you can come visit. and i probably will too :) thanks for everything. and supporting me through this. I LOVE YOU
March 7, 2009 - Saturday
My life as of now
Sometimes when u werent expecting it...things just all fall together. i am very happy being where i am today. I can finally say that things havnt been more better...that this is a start of something different but yet amazing. I am FINALLY going to school! And i am very excited. I think its going to be good for me:] i am playing volleyball again, which i loovvvee! The people i am surrounded with at practice are amazing. I feel happier doing that and being with people who make me laugh than at work. i dont know how to explain it but i feel almost like i live two diff lives. i look forward to going to practice and enjoying my time. i cannot wait to start school.
. i am enjoying this new feeling i have....its very unexplainable, unbeliveable, amazing, and VERY crazzzyy!! Chris is an amazing guy. And i am so happy i am going through this with him. We have a relationship ive never had before. We are so open and so honest. We can sit and talk for hours on end about anything and everything. And i loove how close we have gotten these last months. I never thought we had this much potential. I never knew we would be here :] especially looking back at how things were in the summer. i just love this and i love where we are at...there is nowhere else i would rather be and no one else i want to be with. he always makes me laugh and i am myself with him. we always have fun no matter what. its like living life on the edge :) thrilling and exciting.
life is good now. and i am very satisfied. i dont hang out with many people i have before. but people grow apart.it happens. just recently i have come to find out who truely are my true friends and will stick with me through anything....
and my family...they are very supportive. i am never really home anymore but i love them more than anything. they are the ones who keep me together.
i am just happy that things are finally turning around for a good cause.....i am ready for whats ahead. if things fall apart than thats that. but for now just gotta live in the moment and be ready for life throws at you again
January 12, 2009 - Monday
unpredictable & unbelievable
theres no reason to hold back anymore. No reason to hind behinds these walls. Its like you cant help yourself. You start to open up without even second guessing. It just happens and suddenly your right where you need to be...right where you wanted to be. Truth is....im not scared anymore.
I am done hiding, trying to protect myself. I am done with the constant "IF". You cant love someone when your just closing yourself off from them and they cant learn to love you for YOU.
So this is it...Its just Me and You! No gaurds, no doubts. The way i feel about you, about us is more than words can explain. I never wanted something to work so much before. When i met you never once did i see us being here today. I never imagined us together, so close, so open, so crazy. With you everything just happend. There were the times i felt like just giving up, but some part of me told me to just stick around, dont give up too easily. And now i am so happy i didnt.
with you things just make sense. i have never been in a relationship like ours. its so unusual and so unpredictable. i am exactly where i wanted to be... here with you! i only see things getting better. sure it was rocky, i had no say where it was going to go, but now 5 months later we are here...together.
December 18, 2008 - Thursday
looking back
we build walls to protect ourseleves. to protect us from getting hurt.
we build up higher walls as time goes on only to protect ourseleves from making the same mistakes again.
we sometimes never really say what we want. its like we are scared of rejection.
sometimes we are so used to getting hurt, that when something comes along its soo hard to open up.
or sometimes we hold on to the past too tightly that its hard to let anyone in. and too hard to except that the past is the past.
its like we think that somewhere someday it will come back, and we are too selfish to even try to let someone take its place.
sometimes we compare the new to the old. and sometimes we dont even give the new a chance....cuz we are too selfish, too stubborn.
sometimes we have questions that later we turn them into doubts.
we doubt others only cuz of what we have been through in the past. we have hard time trusting cause of what we have learned from the past.
see everyone has their walls up. no matter who they are.
there was something in the past that helped build them up. and eventually something will come along and help u tear them down. someday.
but we shouldnt let fear stop us from living. from loving. from taking chances.
life is way too short to let anything pass us by. if something good is infront of you you go for it.
we shoudlnt let the past mistakes get in the way of something. the past is the past. we get a little stronger and a little smarter. we gotta learn sometime.
im not going to let fear get in my way. i dont wanna think back to this day later and wish i said the things i wanted to say. done the things i wanted to do. i am just going to do it
November 13, 2008 - Thursday
these are the steps
falling back, falling out. i dont want either one of these... i wanna trip forward.
i dont wanna run i dont wanna push i dont wanna fall
i just want u to come around the corner........
these are the steps we take...the steps i am willing to take....
i am going to wlk right up to your door, knock, you open and i reach out to you.
i am going to tell you i am ready...and how this is going to go from this day on
i am going to be honest, maybe too honest. but if you understand you wont shut the door, youll listen and respect.
so..here i am at your door telling you to shut it behind you and come walk with me.
we will walk down the road and i will tell you.............let it go
time before you told me to not hold back to let it go
so this time its me telling you to be honest and let yourself go. let anything thats holding you back from whats ahead
so.....i am taking a breath now. walking out of this car up to your door....i knock....and wait................
May 30, 2008 - Friday
dreams vrs reality
everyone has their dreams....their hopes...they set dreams for themselevs hopeing to one day make them come true. i personally believe Anything is possible if you just believe you can...if you dont believe in yourself and if you have people by you that dont believe you can then you will have problems making it...you will just put it in your head that you CANT do it...that its pretty much impossible....but NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE......
i have a dream and i want to succeed this....i want to do something that is way out of my reach, that noone thinks i can do...i want to get out there....do something different and find myself...i want to get out of here...and try something different something i never thought i could do...
people will think i am crazy. they will do anything they can to talk me out of this..but i am young....i am not going to put away my life right now..i am going to MAKE my life....do something than just sit here and be the same person i haev been...working at payless living at home and seeing teh same people.....i dont care what anyone thinks.....
i do have alot to think about...i do have alot to analyze...dont think i am just doin this with no thought, cuz i am thinking......i am writing down the pros and cons....i know it wont be the same. but i am not talking about the rest of my life here...just for a while... who knows if this will actually happening... I AM JUST THINKING
i have a dream that for once i am so eager to come true...i am going to do this.....i believe i can and i hope the true ones in my life support me....
October 2, 2009 - Friday
It doesnt matter how much love you have in the beginning but how much love u build til the end
Its almost a year and it doesnt even feel like it. I feel like it was a couple months ago when i met him. I wasnt looking for anything when we met, but that night he kissed me i wanted something. I felt that i could really like him and we could have something good. I really didnt know what i was getting myself into at first. After all, we did meet month after both of our relationships ended.
THings for us were not easy in the beginning at all. The more i hung out with this boy i started to really like him, but he had this side of him that i hated. He would want to hang out then bail the next day. It was hard for me and it did get to the point that i wanted to walk away and just let it be. BUT......i couldnt get myself to walk away. There was something about this man i was drawn to. I kept telling myself that if i stuck around, he would come around and realize how great this actually could be if we spent more time together. Then that day in October came around and we made a deal. I told him after tonight that we would start letting ourselves go and not hold anything back. That day was the beginning of our story :) Oct 6th 2008.
Suddenly he came around and our relationship was becoming alot more mature. He started opening up more and not being scared to let himself go around me and show me how he feels. We were becoming alot more closer and honest with eachother. From the time we first startd hanging out Chris and i have never had any problems talking about anything we needed to talk about. And i think that is why we have the relationship we do.
Time has flown by. And as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months we grew...We grew with eachother...We learned from eachother..and we fell in love with eachother.
Our memories we have made during this year are memories i will cherish forever. It amazes me how much we have already grown together. Some realtionships "crazy head over heels" feeling fades after a while but ours.....it keeps growing ") and i love it
We delt with alot of bull shit in the beginning just like any other relationship. we delt with "ex girlfriend" "situations" "lies" but somehow we conqured it all. I feel we have delt with some stuff in the first year that most couples dont experince yet. Everything we have gone through together has only made us stronger.
Through the hard times we found love.
He is the man that i have been looking for. He is the man that can understand me, even on my bad days. He is the man who can see what he has when he looks into my eyes. He is my soulmate.
I always thought that i would need to be single to be free and have my own life but.....with him i learned i dont haveto be single. We have our own lives outside of our relationship. He can do his thing and i do mine. All because we have TRUST in eachother. we have trust and honesty.
Our relationhip doesnt add up to the perfect equation...
There is chaos, maddness and passion.
He makes me go crazy out of my mind...
what we have isnt perfect but all the imperfections make it perfect.
He is the man i was meant to wake up to every morning.
I have already learned so much from him. I have learned that i have never been in love like this. I have never had a man that appreciated what he had. I have learned that nothing is perfect and the only way to get over the past is to accept it and move forward. You cant move ahead if you dont know where you have been.
This is what i have been looking for...
i never knew that the man i met at the 3 on 3 july of 08 would be the man who stole my heart...MY TRUE LOVE
September 14, 2009 - Monday
this is it..the next step
Today i will be moving out of my parents and on my own.
i am nervous, excited, sad, happy and anxious.
this all happend about a month ago. my friend ashley asked if i was looking to move out.
i honestly didnt think it would actually all fall through, but it has.
This weekend i have been packing like crazy and during all that was when this moving thing actually hit me...this is real. what i am doing is for real.
as i looked at my room it was crowded with boxes and trash bags and my walls were completly naked, i got really sad.
i cant believe i am doing this right now. i always wanted to be out on my own before i turned 21 and now...i am going to be.
it has been stressful these last few days getting ready to move out but i know once i am settled in i can relax and enjoy it.
now i know this isnt going to be easy. at first people told me i wouldnt be able to do this. that i would fail. i started listening more to them. and it made me think no one was there to support me through this. but they are. as i was debating it i rememberd a while back i asked God to point me in some sort of new direction for me. i wanted to do something with my life and i needed him to point me there. help me get to where i want to be. i didnt know what it would be but i just wanted to do something with my life. i just needed motivation and God to help me get there. i asked for a new direction to get me where i need to be.... then when i rememberd this prayer i started to think....well this possibly could be the direction i need to go down. i need to step out of my comfort zone and try to stand on my own two feet. i hope this is it. BEing out on my own will maybe even bring me to new amazing experinces, not just hard ones but exciting ones. Maybe i will find a new job. Maybe this will help me grow up a little. start my own life.
i might struggle here and there but i know i can do this if i just set my mind to it and spend wisely. i have an amzing family who will be there for me and amazing friends.
this WILL work out for the best :) i jsut need to remember to put my trust in God and let him take this in his hands....
im gonna miss it here at home. really i am. s eeing my mom every night. my dad. coming home from work and seeing them on the couch. i will miss seeing the kids every time mom watches them. i will miss my own room here. its going to be different. very different. i wont have to call mom every time i am going to do something. but i will call her almost every day to say hello. i will miss her the most.
mom- i love you sooo much. i will ALWAYS be your little sweet...ALWAYS. i will miss being here with you. but you can come visit. and i probably will too :) thanks for everything. and supporting me through this. I LOVE YOU
March 7, 2009 - Saturday
My life as of now
Sometimes when u werent expecting it...things just all fall together. i am very happy being where i am today. I can finally say that things havnt been more better...that this is a start of something different but yet amazing. I am FINALLY going to school! And i am very excited. I think its going to be good for me:] i am playing volleyball again, which i loovvvee! The people i am surrounded with at practice are amazing. I feel happier doing that and being with people who make me laugh than at work. i dont know how to explain it but i feel almost like i live two diff lives. i look forward to going to practice and enjoying my time. i cannot wait to start school.
. i am enjoying this new feeling i have....its very unexplainable, unbeliveable, amazing, and VERY crazzzyy!! Chris is an amazing guy. And i am so happy i am going through this with him. We have a relationship ive never had before. We are so open and so honest. We can sit and talk for hours on end about anything and everything. And i loove how close we have gotten these last months. I never thought we had this much potential. I never knew we would be here :] especially looking back at how things were in the summer. i just love this and i love where we are at...there is nowhere else i would rather be and no one else i want to be with. he always makes me laugh and i am myself with him. we always have fun no matter what. its like living life on the edge :) thrilling and exciting.
life is good now. and i am very satisfied. i dont hang out with many people i have before. but people grow apart.it happens. just recently i have come to find out who truely are my true friends and will stick with me through anything....
and my family...they are very supportive. i am never really home anymore but i love them more than anything. they are the ones who keep me together.
i am just happy that things are finally turning around for a good cause.....i am ready for whats ahead. if things fall apart than thats that. but for now just gotta live in the moment and be ready for life throws at you again
January 12, 2009 - Monday
unpredictable & unbelievable
theres no reason to hold back anymore. No reason to hind behinds these walls. Its like you cant help yourself. You start to open up without even second guessing. It just happens and suddenly your right where you need to be...right where you wanted to be. Truth is....im not scared anymore.
I am done hiding, trying to protect myself. I am done with the constant "IF". You cant love someone when your just closing yourself off from them and they cant learn to love you for YOU.
So this is it...Its just Me and You! No gaurds, no doubts. The way i feel about you, about us is more than words can explain. I never wanted something to work so much before. When i met you never once did i see us being here today. I never imagined us together, so close, so open, so crazy. With you everything just happend. There were the times i felt like just giving up, but some part of me told me to just stick around, dont give up too easily. And now i am so happy i didnt.
with you things just make sense. i have never been in a relationship like ours. its so unusual and so unpredictable. i am exactly where i wanted to be... here with you! i only see things getting better. sure it was rocky, i had no say where it was going to go, but now 5 months later we are here...together.
December 18, 2008 - Thursday
looking back
we build walls to protect ourseleves. to protect us from getting hurt.
we build up higher walls as time goes on only to protect ourseleves from making the same mistakes again.
we sometimes never really say what we want. its like we are scared of rejection.
sometimes we are so used to getting hurt, that when something comes along its soo hard to open up.
or sometimes we hold on to the past too tightly that its hard to let anyone in. and too hard to except that the past is the past.
its like we think that somewhere someday it will come back, and we are too selfish to even try to let someone take its place.
sometimes we compare the new to the old. and sometimes we dont even give the new a chance....cuz we are too selfish, too stubborn.
sometimes we have questions that later we turn them into doubts.
we doubt others only cuz of what we have been through in the past. we have hard time trusting cause of what we have learned from the past.
see everyone has their walls up. no matter who they are.
there was something in the past that helped build them up. and eventually something will come along and help u tear them down. someday.
but we shouldnt let fear stop us from living. from loving. from taking chances.
life is way too short to let anything pass us by. if something good is infront of you you go for it.
we shoudlnt let the past mistakes get in the way of something. the past is the past. we get a little stronger and a little smarter. we gotta learn sometime.
im not going to let fear get in my way. i dont wanna think back to this day later and wish i said the things i wanted to say. done the things i wanted to do. i am just going to do it
November 13, 2008 - Thursday
these are the steps
falling back, falling out. i dont want either one of these... i wanna trip forward.
i dont wanna run i dont wanna push i dont wanna fall
i just want u to come around the corner........
these are the steps we take...the steps i am willing to take....
i am going to wlk right up to your door, knock, you open and i reach out to you.
i am going to tell you i am ready...and how this is going to go from this day on
i am going to be honest, maybe too honest. but if you understand you wont shut the door, youll listen and respect.
so..here i am at your door telling you to shut it behind you and come walk with me.
we will walk down the road and i will tell you.............let it go
time before you told me to not hold back to let it go
so this time its me telling you to be honest and let yourself go. let anything thats holding you back from whats ahead
so.....i am taking a breath now. walking out of this car up to your door....i knock....and wait................
May 30, 2008 - Friday
dreams vrs reality
everyone has their dreams....their hopes...they set dreams for themselevs hopeing to one day make them come true. i personally believe Anything is possible if you just believe you can...if you dont believe in yourself and if you have people by you that dont believe you can then you will have problems making it...you will just put it in your head that you CANT do it...that its pretty much impossible....but NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE......
i have a dream and i want to succeed this....i want to do something that is way out of my reach, that noone thinks i can do...i want to get out there....do something different and find myself...i want to get out of here...and try something different something i never thought i could do...
people will think i am crazy. they will do anything they can to talk me out of this..but i am young....i am not going to put away my life right now..i am going to MAKE my life....do something than just sit here and be the same person i haev been...working at payless living at home and seeing teh same people.....i dont care what anyone thinks.....
i do have alot to think about...i do have alot to analyze...dont think i am just doin this with no thought, cuz i am thinking......i am writing down the pros and cons....i know it wont be the same. but i am not talking about the rest of my life here...just for a while... who knows if this will actually happening... I AM JUST THINKING
i have a dream that for once i am so eager to come true...i am going to do this.....i believe i can and i hope the true ones in my life support me....
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